


My Beautiful

by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Anniversary, Bittersweet, Confessions, Crew as Family, Developing Relationship, Engagement, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Five Year Mission, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Jim Kirk, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Jim, Pining, Pining Bones, Romance, Space Husbands, Stargazing, Xenopolycythemia, the crew only get a cameo, warp core aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 05:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10610421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind/pseuds/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: Leonard discovers, throughout the years and one by one, all the reasons that make Jim beautiful.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this to be short and sweet but it got out of hand.
> 
> Please see the end notes for additional warnings.

Leonard has never understood how Jim does it. Unorganised and chaotic as hell, not heeding deadlines until he’s got barely twenty-four hours left, spending the majority of the time in bars and clubs when he should be in class. Still, he passes every single exam with flying colours, excelling when eighty percent of the students fail. Jim is a genius not aware of his own potential and sometimes, when he pulls an all-nighter again because the professor will kill him if he misses the deadline, Leonard stays up and watches him, then gets up from his bed and brings order into the chaos that is Jim’s desk, rearranges PADDS and real-paper notes – _I don’t always carry a PADD with me, Bones_ – and Jim smiles up at him, tired and grateful when Leonard calls out typos, tells him the right page numbers to quote and reads out page after page of the relevant literature.

Leonard simply shakes his head and smiles to himself and the thought that crosses his mind in this moment shocks him.

_My beautiful._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Once thought, the words are there and they won’t leave him and Leonard doesn’t know what’s hit him until he’s stumbled head-first into it. He knows he’s a fool for falling for his best friend and he knows he’s not the first to fall for Jim’s insanely good looks but he might be the first who wants to get to know all that is Jim Kirk, the good sides and the bad, the dark secrets that lie hidden beneath layers of smooth smiles and nonchalant comments, all the beauty that is this bundle of restless – and often reckless – energy and childlike joy that he calls his best friend. He’s all Leonard wants and now that he can see it he wonders what took him so long.

_My beautiful._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Pining from afar is something Leonard McCoy would never admit to – it’s ridiculous, undignified, embarrassing. It’s something a man in his late twenties simply does not do.

A man of almost thirty years with two degrees and very real world experience, including a failed marriage under his belt, also does not daydream. Especially not when his best friend plays the lead role in those dreams.

But when Jim sits down across from him at the table in the mess hall, already chattering away about his criminally attractive Advanced Warp Theory teacher and the upcoming campus party, winking at a group of female cadets passing them by, Leonard wonders, unbelieving, how someone like Jim Kirk could enjoy the company of someone like him.

Perhaps because they’re both scarred by life. Perhaps because Jim knows Leonard understands. Leonard hopes he does.

_My beautiful._

And if he spends the next forty minutes not-so-secretly admiring Jim’s body and getting lost in the sparkle in those infinitely blue eyes, who is there to scold him for it?

That’s the good part about being in love with your best friend. You’re allowed to look.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Not being allowed to touch, to _have_ , gets harder every day and Leonard hopes he’s better at hiding it than he thinks he is.

It hurts even more to know that others are allowed.

It doesn’t exactly help matters that he _lives_ with Jim, has seen him in all states of clothed and that Jim is just so goddamn gorgeous. And oblivious.

Leonard busies himself with his studies, takes up more hours at the clinic but still the words won’t leave him.

_My beautiful._

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You really should be more careful, my beautiful” Leonard says, somewhat absent-minded as he dabs a damp cloth against one of the numerous wounds and scrapes on Jim’s shoulders and chest. It’s a good thing that he can focus so fully on his task, otherwise he’d most likely be going insane this close to Jim. Proximity that just isn’t quite the same. At first he thinks it’s the burn of disinfectant that makes Jim wince but when he – almost incidentally – looks up into those too blue eyes he clamps his mouth shut and stares at the result of his own foolish carelessness. Where he’s been thoughtlessly talking, defying all caution and boldly letting down his guard, his lips won’t move now and he’s lost for words in face of his own stupidity. He averts his eyes, his hands slowly withdrawing, Jim’s skin suddenly burning under his fingers. As soon as he’s not touching him anymore, Jim gets to his feet and leaves and he doesn’t look back as Leonard watches him go, knowing that he’s ruined the best friendship he’s ever had.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The shoe outside their shared dorm is nothing new and a few weeks ago it wouldn’t have bothered Leonard as much as it does now.

Oh well, who’s he kidding.

He knows he’s got no right to such thoughts but orders travel far from head to heart. **_My_** _beautiful,_ he thinks, anger and helplessness like old friends weighing heavily on his shoulders.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jim is avoiding him and Leonard can’t say he is surprised. Can’t blame him. He slipped, he ruined it. It’s his fault, his alone. Jim is not blame, he couldn’t know, he _didn’t know._

Jim doesn’t want him.

Leonard thought the realisation would be easier to take when it finally comes but it’s not. Not when he’s lost his best friend.

Leonard imagines Jim to be confused, angry, maybe even hurt, indignant that Leonard would dare try and transform their friendship into something more. Even if accidentally.

Now he isn’t even allowed to look and it hurts. Hurts that he’s not the one Jim would come to, the one who can be there for him.

Still, Leonard won’t hear a bad word said against Jim. He’ll defend him with all he’s got and until the last breath leaves his body. His Jim who is everything but _his_.

_My beautiful._

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Bones?” Jim’s quiet voice startles him and he looks up from his PADD to find Jim standing close to the door, frozen halfway, not sure whether to flee or come in further.

Leonard wills himself not to break down and make Jim run away again. “Hey, Jim.”

He looks so lost, standing there not knowing what to do with his hands and awkward is the understatement of the century where the loaded air between them is concerned. Leonard wishes he could simply go over to him and hug him until things look a little brighter.

“I’m sorry, Bones” Jim mumbles.

Leonard knows this is all he’ll ever get and he never knew he’d feel so grateful just to have this. To have his friend back. He realised how precious it was what he had when he lost it and he can make it be enough.

_My beautiful._

“It’s okay, Jim.”

And it is. For the time being. For them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The first time Leonard learns that Jim is not, contrary to popular belief, unbreakable, is when Jim is refusing to let him in the night before his twenty-fourth birthday.

“Jim, you do realise that I can’t just sleep in the hallway, as inviting as that sounds” Leonard huffs, the usual gruffness to his voice that’s intensified by the hell of a day he’s had at Starfleet Medical.

“Go away, Bones, I wanna be alone” comes the reply, muffled by the door separating them.

Leonard is really not in the mood for an argument so he tries a gentler approach. “Jim” he says again, softer this time but with an insistence in his tone that usually makes Jim comply.

Leonard almost thinks it won’t work tonight but sure enough, after thirty seconds of silence, the door hisses open. He finds Jim on his bed, his part of the room a mess of worn clothes and PADDS. He’s hunched over, shoulders slumped and knees drawn up to his chest like a shield against the outside world, a shadow of his bright, self-confident self.

Leonard feels a sting in his chest as he inwardly sighs and goes to change into more comfortable clothes. He discards his cadet reds in a haphazard pile on the edge of his own bed, then he replaces the crap Jim’s been inhaling with his favourite bourbon and sits down next to him. He doesn’t talk.

Jim breaks the silence for him and when he does, his voice is unsure, breaking when this stupid nickname leaves his red, bitten lips. “I just don’t know how to do it, Bones. Live up to their expectations. I’m not him.”

Leonard understands but he still doesn’t talk, lets Jim be angry at Starfleet, the universe, and himself and doesn’t move from his side when Jim slowly falls apart, everything just becoming too much to bear.

He doesn’t put an arm around his shoulders even though he aches for the touch.

He doesn’t say anything even though he wishes he could make Jim’s heartache go away with three little words whispered into his ear.

A reassurance. A promise, maybe.

He stays silent even though he wants to assure Jim that he’s not alone. And if Leonard is the only one Jim’s got, then he will be the only one Jim will need. He knows Jim knows he’ll go through hell and back for him.

When Jim grows quiet Leonard gets up and opens a rarely touched drawer in his closet. He returns to the bed and sits down again, opens the cardboard box and carefully places the contents on the mattress.

For the next two hours – or three, or four, he’s lost count – Leonard shows Jim holos of Joanna, of happier times, tells him the corresponding stories and manages to elicit not only a smile out of his best friend but makes him laugh out loud and fully, that gorgeous laughter that makes Leonard feel so _alive_ and that he’s missed so badly.

When the bottle is almost empty and they’re both tiptoeing the line between drunk and completely hammered he puts Jim to bed and watches him fall asleep almost instantly. When he can be sure he’s safe, he leans down and presses a feather-light kiss to Jim’s forehead, whispering the words he wishes he could say out loud one day.

“I’m there for you, my beautiful.”

He knows Jim won’t remember this.

 

That night, Leonard officially becomes Jim’s next of kin.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You see that? Over there, the hourglass-like shape with the belt. That’s Orion.”

As if Leonard doesn’t know. Still, he stays quiet, following the line of Jim’s outstretched arm with his eyes into the night sky, sprinkled with bright stars as the San Francisco sky is cloudless.

A warm breeze sweeps over the roof of the academy building and Leonard has never felt this calm. There’s no one there to disturb them, it’s just them and the stars. They’re lying on their backs, so close to each other that their heads would bang together if one of them moved and Leonard can feel Jim’s short hair tickling his temple. The night is quiet and things are good between them even though they’re both avoiding the elephant in the room that’s been there ever since Leonard’s mindless slip.

They’re good at that. Denying.

Jim’s mapping the night sky with his eyes, pointing out stars and constellations like a man addicted but Leonard has long since given up on following him. Instead he’s imperceptibly turned his head so that he can watch Jim, mesmerised by his sheer beauty and the magnetic force the stars have on him, even though it makes his heart ache to have so closely what he can never truly have.

 _My beautiful,_ Leonard thinks and the thought weighs heavy on his shoulders that he’ll only ever be allowed to think it. And maybe not even that.

“And this, the shape is barely recognisable but when you look closely you can see– hey, you’re looking in the wrong direction, Bones!” Leonard winces when Jim catches him staring and the chuckle paired with the amused look in those beautiful eyes make him feel embarrassed.

He swallows it down and tries his best to appear nonchalant. “Well, it’s not exactly easy—” _when you’re so distracting._ Leonard silently reprimands himself for speaking without thinking and clears his throat, hoping his voice doesn’t waver when he finishes his sentence, “keeping up with your pace.”

Jim grins and looks at him a second longer as if searching for something in his eyes that Leonard has to summon up all his might to keep hidden before he turns his gaze skywards again. His hand is resting on the roof, so close that Leonard’s mind leaps far further than those few inches that it would take to— No. He might be impulsive at times but he’s not an idiot.

Not when his heart has already taken more than one emotional beating.

Jim stirs and Leonard’s heart stutters but then Jim’s hand is out of reach, and it feels like a million lightyears between them and not like the span of a hand.

He’s always wondered how he could feel so at home and at the same time so alone in the company of the man he loves.

Leonard knows he’s doomed. Being in love with Jim could never be easy. And Leonard is irrevocably, foolishly in love with him.

But Jim is in love with the stars. And that will never change.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _My beautiful_ , Leonard thinks proudly when he stands and watches as Jim and the other cadets board the ship for their three-month mission. The first time in space, more than just training, a privilege to be one of the one hundred who’ll be serving on one of Starfleet’s most renowned ships orbiting Earth for the next ninety days.  
Jim turns back, searches him out in the crowd, waves at him. The smile on his face is huge, the overgrown child that he is. Leonard rolls his eyes but smiles back, wishing those ninety days had already passed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _Jim_ , is all Leonard can think. _Where’s Jim?!_ He elbows his way through the crowd of waiting cadets, worried friends and barking supervisors in the shuttle bay. _There’s been an incident_ , is all they would tell them, ending the three-month mission four and a half weeks prematurely. He’s not tall enough to be able to survey the chaos around him and every second that he doesn’t find the familiar face sends his heart into frantic anxiety. The list of casualties is way too long already but Leonard hasn’t bothered to check for Jim’s name on it. It would have only made him go mad. Instead he pushes through the crowd surrounding him, not even trying to keep his heart rate under control. His eyes scan hundreds of faces and he’s breathless and worried sick by the time he finally spots Jim, sitting with his head in his hands close by the shuttle in a makeshift tent, surrounded by swarming medical personnel.

_Thank God._

“Jim!” Leonard calls out despite knowing that Jim won’t be able to hear him over the noise. He barely keeps himself from running as he pushes through the crowd like an arrow set on target.

“Jim” he says, out of breath, when he finally reaches him.

Jim glances up at him and it’s like lightning had struck him when Leonard sees the defeated look in Jim’s eyes. He looks so vulnerable, so _young_.

“My—” Leonard cuts himself off, holding back words that are not appropriate for either the time or the place. Or their relationship, he reminds himself.

 _My beautiful_ is what he thinks, “My God, Jim, are you okay?” what he says out loud.

Jim is still looking at him and the guilt in his eyes makes Leonard’s heart shatter. “Bones” is all he manages and Leonard drops to his knees and wraps his arms around Jim, his friend gratefully accepting the proximity while Leonard tries to hide his own desperation.

Later he learns that it was Jim who – with a couple of other cadets – saved seventy-three of the academy students as they were cut off from the shuttle hangar of the _USS Bradbury_ , the fire rapidly spreading throughout the ship.

Leonard waits for Jim the entire time he’s in medical and when he’s released he tells him – once – how goddamn proud he is, then takes him home and pours him a drink.

That night, Jim falls asleep in his arms.

The next morning, neither of them mentions it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“My beautiful” Leonard whispers, a mixture of awe and all-consuming _hope_ engulfing him so suddenly when he learns that throughout these two and a half years the shoe had been a carefully constructed barrier, a pretence to get Jim time alone. Time to think. Not at all what Leonard had thought it had been a sign for.

 _All this time_ and he had no idea. Never even suspected.

“I told myself I needed time” Jim says, his hand cautiously reaching out for Leonard. He wants to take it but refrains, knowing he has to go slow, has to let Jim set the pace or he’ll lose whatever this is in an instant.

“I was scared” Jim confesses and Leonard can’t take it anymore. Jim should never have to be afraid of him. Afraid of what Leonard is so ready to give him. He thinks he tells him as such but the slightly shocked look on Jim’s face when Leonard pulls away from the kiss he’s been wanting for years proves him wrong.

“I know” is all Leonard manages before he’s got an armful of Jim and he doesn’t mind at all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Leonard knows he’s staring and his excuse is simultaneously the object of his desire. “Beautiful” he breathes as he runs his hands down Jim’s sides and his voice takes on a darker, possessive tone when he locks his eyes on Jim’s. “ _My_ beautiful.”

Jim grins and the shyness quickly vanishes to make room for an eerily serious wickedness in his eyes.

Leonard chases the smirk on Jim’s lips as Jim makes quick work of his remaining clothes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It all happens so fast that Leonard doesn’t have time to think. The Narada, the aftermath, the dealing with the few survivors who have lost their home to a maniac with a gun. Now that they’re back at the academy he sits in their shared dorm, too numb to feel, remembering that he wanted to tell Jim before their first posting. He debates with himself whether this assignment counts and finds that he’s just a tiny spot in events too big to understand and that his own problems are nothing compared to what others are going through. And while he doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring and while he realises that the promise he and Jim gave each other – never to go up there alone, never to be separated – is nothing but childish determination and dust in the wind to the authorities, he doesn’t hear the door swoosh open and doesn’t feel the mattress dip and so he flinches when Jim snakes an arm around his middle. Easily spooked that he can be, Jim starts to withdraw his arm but Leonard holds him in place, pulls him closer and murmurs words into Jim’s messy hair that mean so much and yet so little in the grand scheme of things.

“I love you.”

Jim tenses for a second and Leonard almost thinks it’s too soon – he knows how afraid Jim is of intimacy, of giving away his heart and being hurt – but then Jim simply lets go and snuggles closer, allowing Leonard to hold him while they both try to process.

 _My beautiful_ , Leonard thinks and tightens his grip on him.

 

Jim doesn’t say it back but that’s okay.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Uhura, send a message to Starfleet Command that we successfully made first contact.”

“Aye, sir.” Uhura turns back to her station with a shake of her head and a smile on her lips.

Jim’s voice is chipper and he’s bouncing with energy as he gets up from his chair to jab Spock in the ribs with barely concealed joy when he says, “We did it, Spock!”

The Vulcan doesn’t show any kind of response other than the tilt of his eyebrow that Leonard thinks looks a bit like a father not knowing whether to be amused or to chide his son. “My congratulations, Captain.”

Jim turns and smiles hugely at Leonard who is standing in the back, keeping himself out of all this. He’s proud of him, so goddamn proud that it makes his heart swell and he’s having a hard time fighting his own grin. The true nature of an explorer, if he’s ever seen one.

“My beautiful” Leonard says when they share a rare moment of privacy in the turbolift – then he proceeds to kiss Jim senseless to wipe that childish grin off his face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, you.” Jim leans back into him as Leonard wraps his arms around him from behind. He can feel Jim’s smile against his cheek as he follows the gaze of his dreamy eyes out into the vast star-spangled blackness. The observation deck is empty save for them and Leonard allows his feelings to overwhelm him for a moment.

“Hey, darlin’” he murmurs against Jim’s ear and smiles as he feels Jim’s sigh more than he hears it. “I knew I’d find you here. 52 hours without sleep and you’d still rather watch the stars.” He adds a good-natured huff for good measure and presses a gentle kiss to Jim’s temple.

“You know me too well, Bones” Jim says quietly, his speech a little slurred as his body anticipates sleep and he grows heavier in Leonard’s arms.

“You’re damn right and I tell you what else I know. Namely that we’ll both have a sore back tomorrow if you decide to fall asleep on the spot.”

Jim’s answering chuckle takes the gruffness from his words and Leonard can’t suppress the smile when Jim turns his head and nuzzles his face against Leonard’s neck. His quiet hum reverberates under Leonard’s skin and he tightens his grip on Jim, pulling him in closer and burying his nose in Jim’s hair.

“How are the others?” Jim asks and Leonard attempts to fight the quiet, slightly sad smile that’s ghosting around the corners of his mouth. His crew is everything for Jim – Jim, who is fighting exhaustion and refusing treatment for the – admittedly shallow – injury on his left leg.

His crew always comes first.

“They’re fine, Jim, most of them resting now. As should you.” Leonard purposefully lets his tone dip into his concerned-doctor-voice but Jim conveniently ignores him.

He just hums and blinks tired blue eyes up at him. “How are _you_ , Bones?”

Leonard sighs. “Other than dead on my feet, I’m doin’ all right, thanks.”

When a frown clouds Jim’s features at his grouchy answer he leans down to kiss Jim’s forehead, craning his neck a little to make the angle more comfortable.

“I’m fine, I promise” he says, more quietly, intimately. “Let’s go to bed, what do you say, my beautiful?”

Jim looks him in the eyes and the blue is darker somehow, tinted with the strains and struggles of the past 52 hours and with something else.

“I love you” he says, his tentative voice barely above a whisper.

Leonard’s heart stutters and skips a beat.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Leonard has always thought of himself as loyal and faithful but he finds he’s never known loyalty until he meets Jim Kirk.

Jim, who would fight to the last breath to protect his loved ones.

Jim, who would rather die himself than leave a member of his crew behind.

Jim, who feels forever guilty about the people he couldn’t save.

Jim, who clings to him as if his life depended on it.

 _Maybe it does_ , Leonard thinks tenderly as he watches Jim pad around their shared quarters, blind without his glasses and stubbing his toes on every available piece of furniture.

Well, the feeling’s mutual. Leonard depends on him, too.

Jim, who handed himself over to the enemy to prevent his ship from being destroyed and his crew with her.

Leonard gets up from the bed and tries to get a hold of Jim but it’s not exactly easy when his boyfriend is determined to find whatever he’s set his mind to.

 _Boyfriend._ What a strange word.

Leonard postpones ruminations about labels until further notice and decides to simply stand in the middle of the room until Jim bumps into him.

Jim, who offered his own life in exchange for Leonard’s.

Sure enough, it takes Jim about ten solid seconds to realise that Leonard is not, in fact, a wall, and that he’s not going to get past him no matter how often he tries. Leonard catches Jim in his arms when he threatens to stumble and fall and he thinks he’ll never be able to forget this mission that almost cost their lives.

Jim’s life.

The bravest and most loyal person he’s ever met.

 _My beautiful_ , Leonard thinks as he tucks Jim against his chest, feeling his reassuring heartbeat and Jim’s arms snake around his back. He hopes Jim will look out for himself a little more but when he doesn’t, Leonard will be there to do it for him.

“Come back to bed, darlin’” he nudges softly and chuckles lowly when Jim babbles something unintelligible and most likely incoherent.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shore leave is always too unnervingly long when they’re docked onto some fishy planet and always way too short when they’re back to Earth for a few measly weeks. Leonard takes Jim to Georgia and even gets Jocelyn to agree to Joanna staying with them at Leonard’s mother’s house for the time they’re back home.

Jojo nearly runs him over with all the force of a seven-year-old that hasn’t seen her father in far too long.

“Daddy!” she exclaims and Leonard scoops her up in his arms and spins her around like he used to when his little girl was two and the world was still all right.

“Hey, sunshine.” He noisily kisses her on the forehead and she scrunches up her tiny nose in mock-disgust before she spots the man hiding behind Leonard at a safe distance.

“Uncle Jim!”

Leonard knows there’s no holding her back when she’s set her eyes on Jim and he laughs out loud when she wriggles out of his arms and storms down the front porch to tackle her Uncle Jim to the ground. Her plan is thwarted, though, when Jim catches her and lifts her up. The smile on his face is the brightest and most genuine Leonard has ever seen and the pure _wonder_ in Jim’s eyes overwhelms him with love for his personal miracle.

 

“He’s good with children” his mother says when she stops next to him.

“Yes, he’s wonderful” Leonard says reverently, not tearing his eyes away from the sight of Jim and Jojo wrestling in the garden as he leans on the banister running around the porch. “In many ways” he adds with a quiet smile and blushes when he hears his mother chuckle.

“You’re good for him” Eleanora says, “and he’s good for you. I haven’t seen you truly happy in a long time, Leo. He brings out the best in you.”

Leonard tries to hide his burning cheeks and wonders if it’ll ever cease to be embarrassing to talk about this with his mother.

“I’m afraid he doesn’t think he’s good enough” he admits sadly, his voice so soft it’s barely audible.

“Then you have to show him that he is” Eleanora says, laying a hand on his arm.

 

Leonard fears it’s too soon but he can’t hold back any longer what he’s wished for years. “I want us to be a family, Jim. You, me, and Jojo. A _real_ family” he emphasises, just in case Jim would miss the point he’s trying to make.

In his arms, Jim tenses minutely and Leonard heaves a heavy, internal sigh. There’ll never be the right time for this. He pulls Jim impossibly closer as they watch the Georgia sun go to sleep behind rolling hills and whistling treetops. “You don’t have to say anything, darlin’, just promise me you’ll think about it.”

Jim stirs in his arms but Leonard doesn’t let him go. “I’m not sure I can, Bones.”

“You know you can” Leonard pushes gently. “You’ve always been part of this family, Jim, and I want it to be official.” He glances down at Jim whose eyes roam the horizon on a quest for something he believes he’ll never find. “Jojo loves you” Leonard assures him. Or hopes he does, anyway.

“What about Jocelyn?” Jim’s voice is meek and so small and Leonard brushes his lips against his temple when he speaks.

“I’ll talk to her. She’ll come round eventually.”

Jim burrows further into his arms and hides his face in the fabric of the worn t-shirt. “It’s not the way it’s meant to be, Bones.”

“Well, then we have different understandings of how it is meant to be.” Leonard gently caresses Jim’s bare arms. He tightens his grip on him when a breeze makes the old swing creak and Jim shudders.

“We have time, Jim. Just think about it and tell me whenever you’re ready.” _You’re so much more to me than you think are, my beautiful_ , Leonard thinks but doesn’t say. He’s given Jim enough to digest for one day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Leonard loses track of time and buries hopes and wishes along the way as he is cruelly reminded of the concept of time. It’s not enough, there’s not enough time, not enough he can do, _he’s_ not enough. Not enough to save Jim and to put an end to his own sleepless nights, not enough to keep Jim from doing something so endlessly stupid, not enough to give him all he has to offer and more. Not enough to fight.

When the tribble purred he’d thought there was a chance, believed in it with all he’s got because he had nothing else to hold on to but it’s been too long and Jim is still unconscious.

A beating heart is not the guarantee for life. The irony is cruel and it slaps Leonard in the face whenever he looks at Jim’s unmoving form, brutally forced apart from the one person he vowed to always protect.

A slight increase in the steady beeping of the machines and an almost imperceptible change in Jim’s vitals shake Leonard awake again and he’s fighting to get back what’s been his all along.

He manipulates the medical logs and files – consciously and with full intent – and gets to work.

When Jim opens his eyes and blinks up at him, confusion, understanding, admiration, and love in those baby blues that Leonard feared to never see again, Leonard finally breaks. He doesn’t care or think about anything else when he gathers Jim into his arms – careful for Jim is still fragile – and presses kiss after kiss on his hair, his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his lips.

“My beautiful” he gasps breathlessly and Jim gently wipes away the tears that have begun to blur his vision.

“Bones” Jim whispers, concern in his tone, and something in Leonard just snaps and he holds on to Jim for dear life as he breaks down for the first time ever since Jim died.

That night, Leonard slowly starts to gather up the pieces as he reminds Jim over and over again, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eleanora does her best to help and Leonard is eternally grateful when he brings Jim home to Georgia after Khan. It’s hard on all of them but they’ll pull through. Leonard really wants to believe this but sometimes, when he watches Jim sleep or when he tries to plead with Jim not to give up because Jim never gives up, he doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios, he has to fight – he doesn’t know if he’s strong enough himself.

Jim does what people do when they get hurt. He shuts himself off, retreats into his own world and it hurts Leonard but he has to accept it. Only, he can’t watch Jim blame and destroy himself and suffer more than he already has, more than he ever should. He can’t let him withdraw from their relationship, put something between them that kept them apart for far too long at the academy. Leonard just can’t watch Jim slip away again without stepping in.

He has to convince Jim to be strong.

_My beautiful._

The last time he came here his mother told him to show Jim that he is good enough, more than that, and Leonard knows that he needs to succeed now more than ever.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“My beautiful” Leonard whispers in the dead of night and Jim curls into him and buries his face in his chest as silent sobs rip through him and the terrors of the nightmare gradually subside.

 

The next time they occur Leonard orders up the lights to ten percent and sits up, pulling Jim against him, and tells him about his own nightmares, the fear that comes with being who they are and doing what they do. That there’s only a thin line between hopes and fears and that being invincible in the face of something so unsurmountable is nothing anyone could ever expect. Leonard tells him about the guilt that’ll never leave him when he thinks about his father, about his fear of losing Jojo when his marriage crumbled, his fear of being alone in a universe that’s never meant well, and of his ever-present fear of losing Jim again, of not being able to save him when it counts. He tells him of his hopes that one day, they’ll all be a family, he, Jim, and Jojo, and that maybe Jim will let him ask the question he – Jim – is yet to afraid of even thinking.

 

The next time Leonard wakes up, sweaty and restless, the nightmare slowly withdrawing its clawing tendrils, Jim carefully touches his cheek so as to not startle him and looks him in the eye and then he tells him about Tarsus, about being afraid to die alone again like he did in the radiation chamber, of not being able to say goodbye to Leonard, and about hopes and fears.

Leonard calms down, takes Jim in his arms and together they fall asleep again.

 

Jim never again sleeps without touching Leonard, and if it’s just a hand in his.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Are there nothing but godforsaken idiots on this blasted ship?! I’m surrounded by children!” It costs him a great effort not to yell as Leonard storms into medbay, his face murderous and with a dark look in his eyes that would scare even Klingons.

“And you’re one of them” he grouses when he reaches the biobed Jim’s laid out on and immediately starts checking the readings.

“Good morning to you, too, Bones” Jim says and grins but a cough betrays his efforts to appear nonchalant and unscathed.

“It would have been a good morning, Jim, if you hadn’t beamed down onto this supposedly uninhabited planet _ahead of schedule_ and _without telling me_. Not to mention _alone_.” Leonard doesn’t care that his voice raises and that sickbay, in turn, has grown suspiciously quiet. If Jim thinks he’ll let him get away with this he’s got another thing coming. This stupid reckless bravery will dig him an early grave, the hurricane of a person that he is. And he’ll take Leonard down with him.

“What were you thinking, sneaking out of our quarters and completely disregarding every single briefing and mission schedule?!”

Jim, the bastard, possesses the audacity to flash him one of his blinding smiles. “Bones, it’s okay, nothing happened.”

Jim’s lucky Leonard loves him, otherwise he’d be stardust by now, thrown out the airlock once and for all.

“That’s not the point, Jim. The point is something could have happened.” He’s mighty angry with him and judging by the way his staff are finding paths through sickbay without getting too close to him, Leonard is emphatically showing it.

“You know you’re allergic to ninety percent of whatever is floating through this bloody universe, why do you still go and poke your nose into every flower you see?” He’s on a roll now and even Chapel’s steering clear of him.

“I didn’t know they were killer plants, Bones” Jim raises his hands in defence. “Besides, I’m still in one piece.”

“Next time, I will personally make sure you’re not” Leonard grumbles lowly. He doesn’t mean it and Jim knows that but he’s still furious.

“I’ll be sure to avoid any hostile looking plants in the future” Jim promises and grins at him as Leonard preps a hypo.

“Great, I can finally sleep easy now.”

“Come on, Bones, don’t be mean.”

“I’ll show you mean” Leonard warns him and promptly jabs the hypo into Jim’s neck with a little more force than strictly necessary.

Jim yelps and wails and swats at Leonard’s hand. “That was so uncalled for!” he complains but Leonard just rolls his eyes and goes about checking Jim over for the tenth time. You can never be careful enough. He’s got half a mind to give the kid a proper lecture but decides that for now, that would only be a waste of time. That doesn’t keep him from prescribing Jim bed rest, thus effectively scratching his name from any landing party as long as they’re in orbit. Jim continues to complain and lament but Leonard pretends to be immune to his puppy eyes and turns to leave.

“Bones?”

Leonard sighs, precautionarily arches an inquisitive eyebrow and turns back around.

Jim’s looking at him with such naïve expectation that it catches him off-guard. “Won’t you say it?”

“What?” Leonard asks flatly after he’s rebuilt his grumpy mask.

Jim just watches him, staying silent, and Leonard finally rolls his eyes, not able to resist for long. He takes a step closer to the biobed and leans down so that they’re on the same level – mathematical precision aside.

He looks Jim straight in the eyes. “You’re an idiot, kid” he tells him sternly, “a goddamn moron.”

“That’s pretty much the same, I think” Jim chimes in, already grinning like a fool, but Leonard cuts him off.

“Shut up, Jim, I’m talking.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a second, giving himself a moment. “And you’ll most likely be the death of me some day.” Leonard glances up again and finds Jim wide-eyed and bashful, his blue eyes full of unconcealed affection. His voice is quiet when he speaks again. “But you’re beautiful. _My_ beautiful.”

Jim smiles sheepishly but he can’t cover up the shiver that runs through him when Leonard tenderly touches a hand to his cheek.

“You’re still an idiot, though.”

“I think I can live with that.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They rarely ever have time together other than a couple of far too short hours after shift and the nights. Leonard realises, as he’s counting hypos for the inventory, that they’ve never spent one night apart ever since they first boarded the _Enterprise_. At least not willingly.

So, gatherings of the senior bridge crew are even less of an occurrence although Jim would like to sit them down together every once in a while. They do have their occasional poker night – which occasionally strays into realms Leonard doesn’t even want to ponder generously inebriated – but it just doesn’t make up for all the strenuous hours of work.

Tonight, though, Jim saunters into medbay to drag Leonard away from boring inventory, taking his hand and leading him to the rec room where the others are already gathered around a table, each with a drink in front of them, talking animatedly.

Soon, Scotty’s pouring his treasured scotch into their glasses and they share stories of times past and anecdotes of truth or dares spiralled out of control and royally fucked up flight sims, re-tell rumours of academy days, listen to Chekov’s tales, laugh at Sulu’s jokes and even harder at Spock dissecting them.

And when Jim reaches for his hand under the table and smiles shyly at him, Leonard knows he’s home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Leonard blinks awake to artificial daylight and an empty space where a warm body should be. The chronometer shines bright blue digits at him and Leonard groans lowly as he squeezes his eyes shut against the harsh attack and falls back into his pillow.

Only to open his eyes again when something digs uncomfortably into his temple. He raises one suspicious eyebrow and shifts so that he can examine the assailant more closely. It’s a small, rectangular box, inconspicuous as it sits patiently on Jim’s pillow. Leonard picks it up and holds it as if it could bite him any second. When he finally decides on opening it he gets the distinct feeling that he knows what this is about. Inside the ominous box he finds a card, folded in the middle.

 _Here’s to us, my beautiful_ it reads in unmistakable handwriting and Leonard rolls his eyes, his brain helpfully supplying today’s date.

Five years. Good Lord, he never thought he’d find himself in such a situation again.

He peers into the box again and retrieves a wrapped something the shape of a very thin book and for a second he debates whether he should open it now or wait until Jim’s off shift. Just for a second, though, for his curiosity gets the better of him and he gently tears at the wrapping to reveal a holo, framed, of himself and Jim standing on his mother’s front porch, Jim’s head on his shoulder as they each have an arm possessively wrapped around the other. Leonard is wearing one of those smiles he loves to hate, the quiet, slightly sappy ones that Jim’s decided are just for him. They both know it’s true.

Leonard shakes his head as he looks at the picture, feeling a warmth wash over him that he’ll never quite get used to. He always knew Jim’s a secret romantic even though Leonard doesn’t pester him about it quite as often as Jim does Leonard.

As if he hasn’t already admitted to it.

He gets up to put the frame somewhere Jim can see it and smiles at the thoughtfulness. Jim can be many things when he wants to, his favourite idiot.

_Here’s to us, my beautiful._

 

 

* * *

 

 

It is Jim who takes the final step and it’s so unexpected, so out of the blue that Leonard can only stop and stare until Jim grows fidgety and unsure and when he realises that he should probably say something Leonard puts a hand around Jim’s neck and kisses him, long and deep and passionate.

“My beautiful” he breathes and smiles, his forehead gently resting against Jim’s and then he kisses him again for good measure, Jim reduced to jelly in his arms, before he says yes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When it happens, Leonard is not prepared.

 

“Bones? Bones!” The voice is distant, desperate, pleading with him but his body doesn’t want to comply. Everything just fucking _hurts_.

“Bones, please!”

They told him it would be quick but painful. A short time of suffering but intensified a hundred times more. He can see M’Benga’s face , concerned and compassionate and he hates himself for not being strong enough to endure this, to open his eyes and tell Jim it’ll be all right eventually.

Jim.

Jim relies on him. It’s a double-edged sword, it’s always been but they hadn’t known. Without Jim the universe is just a black hole without a single star in it. For Jim, without his Bones, the world is broken beyond repair.

He remembers Jim telling him about his fear not to be able to say goodbye to him when the time comes. The irony is bittersweet and biting.

Suddenly, someone is lifting him up, giving precise orders in a sharp tone Leonard’s never heard on the First Officer before and the world goes black before he even feels the sting in his neck.

 

When he wakes up, he finds Jim in the chair next to his biobed, asleep with his head resting mere millimetres from Leonard’s hand on the sheets. Exhaustion and defeat are carving deep lines into his beautiful face and Leonard smiles quietly, his sleep and drug-addled brain shutting out everything that isn’t Jim.

“My beautiful.” His voice is raspy and hoarse and he coughs at the strain of speaking and he can’t say if it’s the endearment or the efforts of speaking that wake Jim up.

He snaps awake, alarmed and prepared for the worst but when he catches sight of Leonard his features soften but his smile is sad.

Leonard reaches out a hand to gently touch his husband’s cheek and Jim closes his eyes and leans into the touch, craving physical contact like a starved man.

“Hey, darlin’.” This time, his voice is a little more stable but he quickly gives up on trying to move when his body screams in protest.

He vaguely remembers Spock mentioning the cure would be painful.

“You stayed here the whole time, didn’t you?” he asks softly.

Jim is looking at him like he holds all of the answers of the universe, like he’s some fantastical, magical creature, something _special_. “Yeah.”

Leonard smiles and wonders what Jim sees in him as he tells him not to alert Chapel or M’Benga yet in favour of some rare moments together.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The two suns are hanging low over the green sea and the air is warm and if Leonard closes his eyes and lets his mind wander, he can almost smell the scent of peaches. The small class M planet is uninhabited and truly peaceful and Jim’s decision to reschedule and move up shore leave was met with great appreciation by the entire crew.

“I think I could stay here for a while” Jim muses as they stroll along the shore, hand in hand because they’re in private, no one there to see them.

Leonard hums and kicks away a cobblestone, watches it bounce off the ground a few times before it lays still a few metres away from them. There are only four months left of their second five-year mission and Leonard can already feel anticipation making his fingertips itch. They’ve talked about taking on Earth postings after this, maybe teaching a few courses at the academy. Leonard knows Jim would rather be up in space again but the night the subject came up Jim took his hand in his and said, “You’ve followed me for such a long time, Bones, it’s time I follow you home.”

The implications of this promise still make Leonard’s heart flutter and he’s never been this happy, knowing that all the waiting couldn’t have been more worth it. He has gained a second family in the crew of the _Enterprise_ and learned to appreciate it but his family back home, that is still Jim and Jojo. He’s talked to Jocelyn and she agreed, the ice between them long since having begun to thaw again. And now Jim’s told him he’s ready for this next step and there’s nothing more Leonard could want. He hasn’t told Joanna yet, doesn’t want to spoil the surprise. She’ll be beside herself with joy when Jim tells her that he’ll officially be her dad.

Soon. Just another four months. They can manage that, can’t they?

“Yes, it’s nice” Leonard says belatedly, “but I’m looking forward to going home.”

Jim turns to face him and offers him a smile. “Me too.”

“This really is what you want, Jim?” Leonard asks for the umpteenth time and Jim chuckles as he leans into him and almost tips them over.

“Yes, it is” he answers and then adds, “and Bones?”

“Hm?”

“I won’t change my mind. Stop worrying, okay?”

Leonard stops them short, grabs him by his sides and turns him around so that they’re face to face. He looks at Jim for a second or two, a solemn earnestness in his eyes that he hopes says more than words, and then he leans in and kisses Jim, passionate and possessively.

“I know, my beautiful” he murmurs under his breath and the blue in Jim’s eyes shines that little bit brighter. “I love you, Jim.”

“Love you, too” Jim whispers affectionately and leans against his shoulder as they watch the sunset.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When it happens, Leonard knows he probably should be prepared. But he isn’t.

 

The virus is vicious and deadly and nested inside Jim’s system before Leonard can do anything about it. He yells at Scotty to beam them up _yesterday_ and he barks orders at scared ensigns and throws Christine a devastated look to _please help me fix him._ He prepares for surgery in record time but in the end it counts for nothing. They have to revive Jim two times while he’s on the table and Christine’s hand on his arm tells Leonard that it’s over, that there’s nothing he could possibly do. But he’s not about to give up, he has to find a way to keep Jim awake, keep him breathing, keep him _alive._

 _You promised me a life with you_ , he thinks desperately, _you fucking promised!_

Christine has to forcibly manoeuvre him away from the operation table and Leonard can do nothing but watch as they put Jim on life support – more to calm Leonard down than to actually help Jim. Each second that he waits for Jim to _please wake up again_ a bit of Leonard irrevocably dies and he knows that if Jim will come back to consciousness again it will be the last time.

The thought makes him retch.

Jim grabs his hand and his grip is weak, his eyes half-closed but there’s a small smile ghosting over his lips when he pulls Leonard down to him and speaks, hoarse and barely audible. “At least I can say goodbye.”

It breaks Leonard right then and there and he begs Jim to open his eyes again even as he loses all the strength in his body and he cries until there’s nothing left in him but emptiness.

“My beautiful” he says to his husband’s still body and the words well up the tears again. He sits in the chair next to the biobed until Christine comes to gently force him to go to sleep but he simply refuses and he takes his seat again and waits until she accepts that all her words are lost on him and leaves him with a reassuring squeeze to his shoulder and a mumbled, “I’ll miss him, too.”

Leonard never tears his eyes away from Jim as he keeps vigil.

Of all the times Jim put his own life at stake to save others, to protect Leonard, of all the times Leonard sat at Jim’s bedside throughout the night, waiting for him to wake up, of all the times it had to be now. It’s just not fair.

Leonard knows, this time, he’ll wait in vain.

Now he has only memory to live with. And a dream. Memory of the most contradictory but the bravest and most beautiful person he’s ever known. And a dream of all the things they didn’t get to do, the things he couldn’t say. It’s never enough until a heart stops beating and only then do they realise that time is fleeting and that there is never enough time.

Something inside him whispers to him that he should have known it would end like this because they have always been star-crossed lovers. Being with Jim Kirk implies a certain risk but Leonard was willing to take it on and he doesn’t regret anything. Not one day. The universe just wouldn’t grant him and Jim a life together, no matter how many times they proved they deserve it. There’s a thin line between hopes and fears and today, fear has won.

They got so close and never made it to the finish line, watching dreams fade away in the distance. Leonard just wishes he could have burnt out with Jim.

Leonard doesn’t know how to move on and he hates that he even has to think about this again. He thought he’d hit rock bottom when he enlisted in Starfleet but then Jim came and showed him that there is beauty in the light of the stars. And then Jim went to be with those stars and left him behind and Leonard isn’t sure he can ever get up again. Isn’t sure he wants to.

The universe decided to take away its brightest star and Leonard is powerless against forces he doesn’t understand. But until he learns how to live again, he’ll think of Jim and cherish his memory, treasure all the happiness he was allowed to experience with him. And when he’s eventually found his peace of mind he knows Jim will always be there with him, if only in his heart and in the framed holo in the quarters that feel so empty without his laughter.

This is what you get when you fall in love with Jim Kirk.

Leonard wouldn’t change a single second of what he got for the world. Because what he got is more than most people get, more than he ever dared to hope. He was granted the privilege, the fortune to get to know all of Jim Kirk, to give himself to him and to get nothing less in return.

He was allowed to love Jim and be loved back.

 

 

_~End~_

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Major Character Death in the last episode. (Since the fic rather consists of loosely connected snapshots you can just skip the last part if you don't want to read it.)  
> I know, I know, it didn’t have to end this way but I guess I just wanted to make myself cry. I am endlessly sorry for not giving out a more explicit warning but I thoroughly thought about it and decided against it. I hope you understand and that you enjoyed it, anyway. Feel free to yell at me below in the comments.
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://atravellingsoldierstaleofwinter.tumblr.com/)!


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